Friday, May 22


Ecclesiastical Biography Made Easy

And now, excerpted from the HWTN-published Nitwit's Guide to Ecclesiastical Historiography, a selection of handy one-sentence biographies of the great men and women of Catholicism:

St. Lawrence: Turn me over, I'm done on this side.
St. Christina of Bolsena: As with zombies, the only way to definitively stop an undersized, uppity teenage virgin-martyr is to whack off her head.
Abbot Suger: I like shiny things.
Padre Pio: Strange blips reported on the Pieceltrina air traffic control tower.
St. Catherine of Alexandria: The Diocletian Chainsaw Massacre.
Imelda Lambertini: The one story one should never, not under any circumstances, tell a First Communion class.
Eilmer of Malmesbury: Hey, y'all, watch this!
The Prophet Elisha: Never make fun of a bald man or bears will eat you.
Albertus Magnus: Talking robots, alchemy, and weird science.
Alexander VI: One of two popes who ought to have a party school named after him.
St. Francis: James Dean, then Doctor Doolittle, and finally The Greatest Story Ever Told.
Savonarola: God hates shiny things.
Pseudo-Dionysius: God is a shiny thing.
Thomas Aquinas: [The one-sentence summary prepared turned into an elaborately-structured series of dependent clauses that went on for twenty pages.]
St. Catherine of Siena: Fad Miracle Diets of the 14th Century.

Other suggestions?

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