Monday, February 16


Theology on Whap

Well, sweeps week in the imaginary universe in which HWTN (Holy Whapping Television Network) exists is upon us once again, and so naturally, a young man's mind turns to programming stunts. So, tomorrow, expect an unprecedented Twenty-Four Televised Hours of Theology on Tap (TM) in all its many-splendored variations! God plus beer, what more does one need?

12:00-1:00 AM Classic Theology on Tap: Broadcast live from last call at the Bishop Caroll Microbrewery, the papist alternative to Sam Adams.
1:00-2:00 AM Theology on Map A televised debate between St. Virgilius the Geometer, Sir Bedevere from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and the Nestorian Cosmas Indicopleustes (author of the flat-earth text Topografia Christiana) on whether the world is round, shaped like a banana, or shaped like a cuboid tabernacle.
2:00-4:00 AM Theology on Cap. Infomercial. St. Philip Neri models the latest novelty zuchetti taking the Roman curia by storm. Imagine, a biretta with "Who, me, worry?" written across the front can be yours.
4:00-5:00 AM Theology von Trapp. Today's installment: steel-cage grudge-match between Julie Andrews and Bishop Williamson, followed by a discussion of the Council of Ephesus in a segment entitled "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" Then, a roundtable discussion on the "search for the historical Baron von Trapp," and we will conclude with the singing of the Austro-Hungarian National Anthem and a round of tokay.
5:00-6:00 AM Theology on Sap. Your morning dose of pious treacle from the Really Adorable Little Sisters of the Fuzzy Paschal Lamb of Stowe, Vermont, this time reporting live from the field as they start out this year's annual maple syrup harvest. Be prepared, there's a lot of lace on their altar-cloths.
6:00-7:00 AM Theology on Tap (Shoes). Unfortunately, pre-emtively anticipating the new fairness doctrine expected to come down on high from Washington means broadcasting this documentary on liturgical dance. Just remember, "You are the jazz hands of Christ."
7:00 AM-9:00 AM Theology on Zap. Today, on everyone's favorite wacky drive-time astronomy show from the papal observatory, Fr. Gabriel Funes interviews special guest Morbo the Annihilator on what to do if attacked with an alien ray-gun. The answer? "Not much you can do, puny humans."
9:00 AM-10:00 AM Theology on Cab (Calloway). You'd be amazed at how much exegesis you can get out of the lyrics to Minnie the Moocher if you squint. Hi De Hi De Hi De Hi.
10:00 AM-11:00 AM Theology on Tap: The College Years There are few more disturbing combinations than Catholicism, alcohol, and Dustin Diamond.
11:00 AM-12:00 PM Theology on Tap: The Next Generation. Live from the deck of the papal space galleon Enterprise.
12:00-2:00 PM Theology on Nap. Today, the friars of Our Lady of Perpetual Sloth celebrate their customary post-lunch devotions in honor of the Dormition of the Blessed Virgin. (Hey, if there was an order known as the "Sleepless Monks" in the Byzantine Empire, someone presumably had to take up the slack somewhere.)
2:00-4:00 PM Theology on Rap. We're not sure but we suspect this involves the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal, pontifical bling, and extreme skateboarding. Just a hunch.
4:00-5:00 PM Theology on Yap. Fr. Damien de Veuster runs into a problem on his visit to the small Pacific island of Yap, known for its twelve-foot-wide diameter stone coins, when, while paying his bar tab, the tender can't break a twenty.
5:00-6:00 PM Theology on Tap: Criminal Intent. When we said "Car Bomb," we meant Guiness, Irish Cream, and Jameson's, Mulroney. Now, begorrah, look at the mess ye've made.
6:00-7:00 PM Theology on Lapp As an ecumenical gesture to our Lutheran pals, we're broadcasting our favorite Scandinavian cooking show, broadcast tonight live from Västernorrland and featuring an exotic fusion recipe of reindeer meat and cream of mushroom casserole.
7:00-10:00 PM Theology on Tap: St. Blog's Edition Fr. Z. treats us to the original Latin, pre-ICEL version of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, while the Recovering Choir Director renders it in ancient Cistercian chant. Matthew and the NLM team attempts to turn the bar into a reproduction of a Maltese basilica with some strategically-placed wall-hangings.
10:00-11:00 PM. The Revelation of the Sacred Mysteries to Tender Minds Within the Confines of a Secular Establishment Serving Dionysiac Libations (Working Title: The Ouzo Hour) Originally intended as a pilot episode for an Eastern Orthodox version of the series, unfortunately it collapsed into chaos after Fr. Vasily discovered there was no 19th century Russian vodka available. Is outrage!*
11:00-12:00 PM The Venerable Matt Talbox Detox Hour. Because, face it, guys, I can't tell by now if I'm seeing the Two Natures of Christ or just double. Let's get some coffee.

*There was also going to be an ecumenical Catholic-Protestant-Jewish version, A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar, but it degenerated into an argument between the relative merits of whiskey, Mogen David and unfermented Concord grape juice.

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