Monday, February 2
Rough Times in the Salvation Economy
Orthodox Church in America Buys ROCOR for $2 per Share
First it was Bear Stearns. Then it was Fannie Mae, AIG and Lehman Brothers. In the latest casualty of the financial crisis, the Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia has been purchased for $2 per share by long-standing competitor Orthodox Church in America after 48 hours of frenetic negotiation over the weekend.
“We acted in the best interests of our shareholders and customers, and to ensure liquidity in the Orthodox markets,” said the Orthodox Church in America’s CEO Jonah.
The merger was brokered by the Standing Conference of Orthodox Bishops in America (SCOBA), who argued that ROCOR was too big to fail, and that a Chapter 11 bankruptcy could have serious repercussions on the Orthodox markets.
“We would have liked to reach some kind of deal sooner, but the OCA negotiating team was on the new calendar, and the ROCOR negotiators were on the old calendar, so it was hard to get everyone at the same place at the same time,” said Bishop Habib Paulson of SCOBA.
An Orthodox Christian Fellowship member in attendance suggested, “Hey guys, maybe we could just leave politics out of church,” but was promptly exiled to Siberia.