Monday, August 25


Holy Whapping Goes to the Movies

Few of you know this yet, but HWTN recently purchased the multiplex next door to our headquarters, adding it to our growing commercial empire, which currently consists of the Donutist chain of fast-food breakfast cafes (which has recently been closed down by a joint order of the CDF and the local health inspectors) and the Chaldean-themed Mar Emmanuel Deli in Mosul, which unfortunately is currently surrounded by a minefield. So we're hoping this one turns out better. We'd like to note it is the only multiplex IMAX theatre done in the Naryshkin Baroque style in the entire upper midwest.

Today's showings include:

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Pars II: A road-trip of vocation-discerning traddy girls (all of whom look about 25 despite being 14) checking out convents discovers an order with what might be the Worst...Habit...Ever. 2:30 running time. Showings: Matins. Sext. Compline.

The Day the Sun Stood Still: The only way we can explain the reason Keanu Reeves got picked to play Joshua in this lumbering sci-fi take on the battle of the Hebrews versus the Amalekites is that HWTN studios casting director was recently burnt at the stake for Artotyritic Montanism and Milosh the janitor is currently filling in for him. 1:45. Showings: Matins.

The Dark Night: Who would have thought the Hombre Murciélago defending Renaissance-era Toledo from countless heretical enemies would actually be a five-foot-tall Carmelite mystic named John? With Maggie Gyllenhaal as Teresa of Avila. 3:00 running time. Showings: Lauds. Vespers. First and Second Nocturnes.

Brideshead Regurgitated: If you synchronize the new Brideshead movie with the tracks from Dark Side of the Moon, it's much more edifying. 1:20 running time. Showings: Third Nocturne, Nones.

Harald Hardrada and Kumar Go to the White Castle: In Norman England's first stoner comedy, invading Viking Harald and his Moorish slave Kumar get the munchies and have to find their way, via oxcart, to the keep at Windsor Castle without Harold Godwinson or William the Conqueror attacking them en route. 1:45 running time. Showings: Terce, Vespers.

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