Excerpted from transcript of Holy Whapping Television Network (HWTN) program The Daily Show with Henry Cardinal Stuart, Friday, July 25, 2008.

"...in recent Vatican news, Pope Benedict XVI ended speculation about Cardinal Arinze's replacement, announcing the new head of the Congregation for Divine Worship was an invincible Dalek warrior from the planet Skaro. Benedict explained this move would mark the beginning of a new era of decisiveness. When asked his opinion on the future of ICEL, the extraterrestrial prelate responded, 'Exterminate! Exterminate!' Commentators cautioned at reading too much into this statement, considering that is about the only thing Daleks say, until, when questioned about the USCCB, the new prefect responded 'Ineffable! Infeffable!'

The new "no-nonsense" head of the Congregation for Divine Worship
"...a new musical, Footloose: 1814, opened on off-off-take-a-left-turn-and-go-down-the-dark-alley-off-Broadway Friday. This new all-singing all-dancing spectacular, set at the Congress of Vienna, tells the tale of Chancellor Metternich's attempt to bring back that edgy new dance, the waltz, after dour old Emperor Franz bans it on the grounds it's distracting the delegates too much...

"Last Tuesday, when confronted with allegations that a recent photo of himself strongly resembled the character Animal from The Muppet Show, Archbishop Rowan Williams responded with an answer so mind-bogglingly even-handed it caused instantaneous narcolepsy in HWTN's correspondent on the spot. When asked in an interview this week, Animal, however, responded 'WO-MAN! WO-MAN!' It is unclear if this refers to the Muppet drummer's stance on female ordination. The other members of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem could not be reached for comment.

"Florian Stembacher, the self-proclaimed Pope Innocent XIV of the Really Super True Catholic Church, recently held a rival World Youth Day celebration at his trailer in Butte, Montana, which consisted of him mostly listening to old Tommy Dorsey records and asking attendees to speak louder. An assortment of young people ranging in age from 14 to 63 came along, mostly to fulfil community-service requirements...

A group photo of the partipants in this year's Sedevacantist World Youth Day. All of them.
"...in other news, a mysterious priest calling himself only 'Father Qui' and wearing a cassock and converse sneakers has been sighted in the Rome area. It is thought his appearance has something to do with reports of a flying blue confessional box seen in the vicinity of St. Peter's. The new head of the CDW has not been available for comment on this matter..."