Tuesday, March 11


Hollywood to Dutch: Free Utrecht!

New York City (HWTN News)--A mass demonstration in front of the townhouse headquarters of the Dutch Permanent Representative to the UN quickly turned into a media circus after six flag-waving supporters of the International Utrecht Independence Movement were joined by movie superstars Richard Gere and Angelina Jolie.

Monsignor Sasbout Vosmeer, a member of the Society of St. Pius the Fifth, Part One and Vicar-General of the Provisional Goverment of the Prince-Archbishopric of Utrecht in Exile (based in Cleveland, Ohio, out of St. Gertrude the Seriously Inflamed Really, Really, Super-Traditional But Very Suspicious of Rome Roman Catholic Chapel in the Mount Vernon Stripmall off State Road 36), granted an exclusive interview to HWTN, explaining, "The ancient Prince-Archbishopric has been occupied by nefarious Dutch interlopers since 1559, oppressing its quaint culture and mystical traditions of healing. Mr. Gere approached us after getting bored with the Free Tibet Movement, in an effort to find another defunct theocracy to insert into his Academy Award acceptance nominations."

A spokesman for Ms. Jolie said she had been lured to the Dutch embassy with the promise of adopting that kid with the finger in the dike. Ms. Jolie then broke in and asked if Utrecht had some sort of national food similar to like Pad Thai, as she was getting hungry. Mr. Gere quickly got the microphone away from her and proceeded to explain his attraction to the oppressed Utrechters. "They speak this really strange sacred language, really ancient and mystical, sounds kind of like Spanish or Italian, and there's lots of incense and I'm told they believe in reincarnation."

"I said the Incarnation," corrected Monsignor Vosmeer. When later confronted with the fact there is a sitting Catholic archbishop of Utrecht, and there had been one since 1858, Vosmeer said, "Some of my colleagues have started getting some deep suspicions about Pius IX. You know, his cousin's sister's barber was named Albert Lacey, which sounds a a bit like Alfred Loisy, and you know where that road leads."

"Bricklayers?" asked Gere.

"They're called Freemasons," said the Monsignor, patience starting to wear thin.

Gere continued, "And they even have yoga, too; I'm going to start on a class on the Spiritual Exercises."

"It's a retreat, Mr. Gere," said the Monsignor.

"In fact, I've been wanting to study their secret Tantric rites for months now." (The Monsignor simply turned an odd shade of purple at that point.) When asked to confirm that the Prince-Archbishopric of Utrecht had any sort of equivalent to such practices, Gere was handed a copy of The Theology of the Body, but was very disappointed it appeared to contain no helpful diagrams.

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