ROME (HWTN News)--One of the Shrine's moles at the Vatican recently leaked to me a truly extraordinary document from the Congregation for Divine Worship, which indicates that in the lead-up to the unveiling of the Luminous Mysteries towards the end of Pope John Paul II's reign, the CDW's Consumer Rights section beta-tested a number of alternatives to the Pope's proposal. This in itself should be no surprise; the mysteries of the Rosary, along with the stations of the Cross, have historically been rather fluid in content and in number, while the CDW's careful supervision of new Vatican products is well-known after the massive recall of the '04 cherry-flavored "Hieroymus Bosch Blend" incense after the main stock had been secretly adulterated with hallucinogens as a protest by an anarcho-syndicalist guerilla theater group.*

Experts remark that the Luminous Mysteries won out with good reason. But it's still fascinating to see what might have been and why it got rejected. One set, the Parabolic Mysteries, was thought to sound too mathematical, though it dealt with Christ's various parables, some of which themselves proved to be problematic. The Mystery of the Parable of the 99 Sheep and the 1 Lost unfortunately put most test-subjects to sleep given Fr. Cantalamessa's suggestion they pray by counting each one, while the Mystery of the Divine Childhood, based on various apocryphal accounts of Christ's early years featuring Jesus smiting playground bullies and the like, made, in the words of one, "Our Lord seem a bit too much like Damien from The Omen." Researchers soon afterwards discovered the proposed Mystery of the Blue Carbuncle came not from sacred history but the Sherlock Holmes canon, and the whole section on the Father Brown Mysteries seems to have been a long and involved joke on the part of the compiler of the report.

Some mysteries also seemed, like the 99 Sheep, a bit too dull. Take for instance, the proposed Tedious Mysteries: 1: the Child Jesus stars in His School's Hannukah Pageant; 2: The Child Jesus is asked by Mary to take out the Garbage and Doesn't Complain, 3: Joseph hits his thumb with a hammer but does not say his golf words despite a furious desire to do so, 4: Our teenaged Lord suffers silently as Our Lady and St. Joseph show His friends all those embarassing baby pictures and 5: the Child Jesus is teased by playground bullies for being dressed like the Infant of Prague. The problem here is when you are dealing with a family in which the baby is God, the mom is sinless and the dad may well have never committed a sin of his own accord, there isn't too much drama to work with, barring the introduction of a Jewish Eddie Haskell character, and no such archetype appears in the Protoevangelium of James.

Now, if you must excuse me, it's Thursday and we all know that means it's time for a recitation of the Fourth Glutinous Mystery: Our Lord Feeds the 5,000 with Kosher Cinnabons.

*Supposedly Cardinal Arinze knew something was wrong when he attended a solemn high mass where the Gospel, solemnly intoned, began, "In illo tempore, dicite Iesus, Viiiiiiiiiirrrrr..." (Literally: At that time Jesus said: Duuuuuuuuude.")

Merci beaucourp to the one, the only Dawn Eden for the idea behind the post, and for calling me up during a very dull morning to cheer me up with it.