Monday, October 15


The Latest from Holy Whapping Television Network (HWTN)

Drew informed me yesterday that the boys in advertising (ie., the Pious Sodality of SS. Bernardine of Siena and the Holy Signboard of the Passion) have dreamed up a doozie of a scheme to boost HWTN's name recognition, as well as aiding ecumenical relations. In exchange for their re-entering into communion with Rome, we have entered into a business agreement with the Little Fathers of St. Donatus the Really Holy Guy Who Didn't Give In to The Pagan Authorities When the Excrement Hit the Fan, So There (LFSRHGWDGIPAWEHTFST). They're a holdout from the Council of Arles who've been hiding in the basement of a falafel shack in Algiers since the Vandal invasions. The Instrument of Reunion includes our condition they change their name to something less heretical and shorter, and their condition they take over HWTN's floundering chain of breakfast pastry shops, Dumb Ox Coffee. (Like Caribou Coffee, but more bovine.)

You see, living in close proximity to all those Middle Eastern baked goods for generations apparently had some sort of weird effect on them that made them whizzes around grease and sugar, if not much else. (You should see their illuminated manuscripts. My kid could paint that. If I had one, I mean.)

Behold, then...


A New Chain of Luxury Baked Goods Boutiques

"Where Our Pastries Are As Good as the Men Who Make Them. Unless They're Repulsive, Horrible, Icky Sinners, in Which Case, You're On Your Own."

New items we're test-marketing include Marcionite Breakfast Bagels ("now without lox!"), Arius-endorsed dieting products ("similar in substance to chocolate, but not the same") and, just to show we're not totally selling out to the heretics, a range of hand-crafted ice-coffee drinks produced by a venerable order of friars deep in the Appenines, the Frappucine Fathers. And for the kiddies, a "Holy Meal," this week with different action figures of the Whapsters ("Dan--now with special red sweater-vest!" "Choirgirl Emily!" "Original Emily!" "Senior-Year Emily!") For more info on this exciting new addition to the Holy Whapping Family, see our infomercial with special guest Pope Miltiades and Felix of Aptunga, just to prove our new employees have really gone over to Rome, heart and soul. Since we still have those thumbscrews down in the basement...

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