Monday, October 15
The Latest from Holy Whapping Television Network (HWTN)
You see, living in close proximity to all those Middle Eastern baked goods for generations apparently had some sort of weird effect on them that made them whizzes around grease and sugar, if not much else. (You should see their illuminated manuscripts. My kid could paint that. If I had one, I mean.)
A New Chain of Luxury Baked Goods Boutiques
"Where Our Pastries Are As Good as the Men Who Make Them. Unless They're Repulsive, Horrible, Icky Sinners, in Which Case, You're On Your Own."
New items we're test-marketing include Marcionite Breakfast Bagels ("now without lox!"), Arius-endorsed dieting products ("similar in substance to chocolate, but not the same") and, just to show we're not totally selling out to the heretics, a range of hand-crafted ice-coffee drinks produced by a venerable order of friars deep in the Appenines, the Frappucine Fathers. And for the kiddies, a "Holy Meal," this week with different action figures of the Whapsters ("Dan--now with special red sweater-vest!" "Choirgirl Emily!" "Original Emily!" "Senior-Year Emily!") For more info on this exciting new addition to the Holy Whapping Family, see our infomercial with special guest Pope Miltiades and Felix of Aptunga, just to prove our new employees have really gone over to Rome, heart and soul. Since we still have those thumbscrews down in the basement...