Monday, October 29


Flying Jesuits, Hidden Wires

It occurs to me there are, after careful consideration, there are a number of things we can learn from the ever-trendy field of Eastern religion. Catholicism leads the world in the fields of liturgy (in theory, anyway), art, architecture, music (in theory, once again), incorrupt bodies, and annual gross domestic beeswax consumption. However, we are seriously lagging behind in the fields of noise pollution/street annoyance, where the Hare Krishnas have us beat by about twenty points, and also religion-based esoteric martial arts, where our competitors are those pesky Shaolin kung-fu monks, as well as the Jedi (though it's hard to take the Jedi seriously ever since Samuel L. Jackson said "This party's over" in Attack of the Clones. Good grief, that was embarassing. That purple lightsaber might as well have been a grapeaid popsicle stick.)

The noise pollution thing is easy to solve--I suggest we simply put together a committee of rapping CFRs, the Catholic Truth Society, and some folks from the Institute of Christ the King to keep things classy, and no doubt we'll have hot and cold running processions and street-preachers. The martial arts thing is trickier. If the Templars didn't do it, then nobody can, you'd think. Fencing and swordplay might count at a stretch, but I suggest a novel solution. Surely Francis Xavier must have come in contact with the wisdom of the Orient during his days in the Far East, and St. John Bosco was supposed to have used a primitive karate chop on one highway robber. From these thin skeins of evidence we can presuppose an ancient hidden Jesuitical (yes, I know Don Bosco is not a Jesuit, whatever) mystical art, passed down from scholastic to scholastic. Behold--


For further information, apply to Jesuit Conspiracy Central, basement of Sant' Ignazio, Rome; the secret word is "kung pow."

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