Saturday, August 11


Holy Whapping Television Network (HWTN) TV Schedule, Saturday, August 11, 2007

8:00 AM. *M*A*S*S*. (Rerun). Field Acolyte Hawkeye decides to switch the Acqua and Vino cruets in Fr. Mulcahey’s liturgical cruet set because that’s the kind of thing he does, and also because (insert gripping social commentary here).

8:30 AM. Family Feudalism. This week: the Plantagenets versus Hohenstaufens. (Live show later cut off after a knife-fight breaks out between Katharine Hepburn and Peter O’Toole.)

9:00 AM. Hochschule Musikale. In old Heidelberg, scrawny nerd Willy Hohenzollern and his withered arm are ostracized by the Wittelsbach in-crowd led by drama queen Sissi and head jock Otto von Bismarck, until Willy and sweetheart Princess Augusta Viktoria of Schleswig-Holstein join forces to inexplicably burst into song. Show-stopping numbers include “Staldhelm Spirit,” the Admiral Tirpitz tap number “Get Your Head in the Naval Buildup,” “The Ems Telegram Song,” “Stick to the Mutual Pan-European Re-Insurace Treaty System,” and the grand finale “We’re All in This Together (Except Poland).”

11:00 AM. I Love Christina. (Rerun). Queen Christina of Sweden (Lucille Ball) sneaks out of her guest digs in the Vatican to visit Castel Sant’ Angelo and engage in some target practice, since Pope Alexander VII (Desi Arnaz) has refused to let her have her own personal artillery regiment. Waaaaah!

11:30 AM. This Old Saint. Bob Villa hosts HWTN’s perennial favorite game-show, combining Do-It-Yourself repair skills and hagiographic trivia. Skilled anatomists and diminutive Italian nuns race against the clock to reassemble St. Catherine, whose head is in Siena, foot in Venice, and body in Rome.

12:00 PM. Not Another 1950s Priest Movie. (Original Title: I Confess I’m Going My Way to the Bells of Boys Town to Unlock the Keys of the Kingdom). Starring Irma Bergman (Ingrid’s kid sister, the one with that disconcertingly big mole), Mother Dolores Hart, Princess Grace, Bing Crosby, and that Incomprehensible Old Irish Guy as Fr. Ethnic Stereotype.

HWTN Tough Guys (and Gals) Marathon

2:00 PM. The Man with the Golden Nose. Metal-nosed astronomical swashbuckler Tycho Brahe teams up with renegade Frenchman Cyrano de Bergerac to free Galileo from the clutches of the Inquisition.

3:30 PM. Pius X. The year is 1969 and the Rev. Pius Little struggles to re-impose Tra le Sollicitudine on his kumbaya-loving whitebread congregation. By. Any. Means. Necessary.

5:00 PM. Old Habits Die Hard. Bruce Willis struggles to blend in as he goes in deep undercover (and deep beard) among the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal to foil a plot to kidnap the Pope during his upcoming appearance at the UN.

7:00 PM. Paten. George C. Scott plays a tank-commanding Pope Julius II facing off against the panzer divisions of the Geneva Wehrmacht in this classic war movie set in an alternate universe where Leonardo’s fantastic weapons became reality. Don’t miss the profanity-laden prologue speech set against a gigantic backdrop of the Vatican flag.

10:00 PM. Twelve Angry Saints. The conclave to elect Matthias as Judas’s replacement inadvertently goes sour when Peter accidentally breaks the handle off the cenacle’s front door, trapping them within and survive off really thin matzoh slipped in under the crack. Sequel to The Dirty Dozen.

12:00 AM. Bellarmine Begins. Robert Bellarmine takes on the forces of darkness in a weirdly Gothic Counter-Reformation Rome after a long and more-or-less inexplicable drawn out training sequence involving Matteo Ricci and a bunch of Shaolin monks.

1:30 AM. Dante Goes to Hell. The sequel to Dante Goes to School, the sequel to Dante Goes to the Beach, and that in turn the sequel to Dante Goes to Splash Mountain. From the creative (?) minds that brought you Weekend at Boccaccio’s II.

2:30 AM. The Hunt for Blue October. Sir Francis Drake (Alec Baldwin) hunts down a dangerous prototype Spanish “stealth galleon,” The Glorious Month of the Most Holy Rosary of Our Blessed Lady Crushing the British Scum, led by the Duke of Alba (Sean Connery) and his inexplicable Scottish accent.

4:30 AM. The Diocletian Chainsaw Massacre. (Original Title: The Most Holy Life, Passion and Dolorous Death, along with the Miraculous Translation of her Body, of the Virgin and Martyr St. Katherine of Alexandria, with Lots of Rotating Knives to Make Things Interesting.)

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