Wednesday, July 25
Holy Whapping Television Network (HWTN): The Motu Proprio Edition
9:00 AM. Traddietubbies. Finally, some quality children's programming. Four freakish creatures apparently made of felt watch archival footage of Pius XII's coronation on TV monitors inset into their bellies and coo in delight. Then fifteen minutes of saying goodbye, consisting of intoning "Benedicamus Domino" intermixed with a good deal of baby gibberish. By the way, that's a maniple, buster, not a purse, so get it right.
8:00 PM. Five Simple Rules of Engagement for Dating the Church's Eldest Daughter. Fr. Z has a whole lot of trouble on his hands when he's appointed the spiritual director for an orphanage of giggly French traditionalist girls with a predilection for sneaking off on dates after curfew and gloating about the superiority of the Extraordinary Form to their heathen boyfriends.
8:30 PM. Bridezillas. Tonight's special episode deals with the care and feeding of your wedding planner and is guest-hosted by the Rev. George William Rutler with the assistance of a bullhorn, a Kevlar vest, and a very large net.
8:00 PM. Seinfeld. Kramer and Newman's private association of the faithful threatens to report Fr. Curtis to Ecclesia Dei for substituting "Yadda, yadda, yadda" for "in saecula, saeculorum, amen" allegedly to save time.
8:30 PM. Saved by the Simantron. Abba Zachary and Abba Slater try to sneak bootleg copies of the Motu Proprio onto Athos without triggering the suspicions of Hieromonk Belding, who is convinced the whole thing is a trick of Rome. Screech discovers someone has run his riassa up the flagpole. Again.
8:00 PM. The Huysmans Show. J.K. Huysmans sits through a puzzling dinner with a fan before discovering he has once again been mistaken for children's book maven J.K. Rowling, and decides that his Decadent hairstyle must really be too effeminate.
8:30 PM. The P.O.D. Couple. Fra Oscar accidentally uses Friar Felix's precious new maniple to clean his golf-clubs, and frantically races around Rome at the last minute trying to find someone who knows what the heck this weird necktie thing really is and where on Via del Seminario can he get another one.
8:00 PM. Fr. Ted: A Latin-y Ted. With nothing left to complain about after the Motu Proprio, the protesters from that weird Martin Sheen movie Catholics have decamped to Craggy Island and appealed to the parochial house for their own Latin Mass. Horror abounds it comes out the only person who remembers how it goes is housekeeper Mrs. Doyle...Fr. Jack being, er, indisposed after the Toilet Duck incident. Can Ted manage with Latin cue cards? Will Jack try to eat his biretta? Will Dougal wonder if Altarey Day is Agnes's brother?
8:00 PM. The Colbert Report. Jean-Baptiste Colbert, contrôleur général of the Kingdoms of France and Navarre and first minister to the Sun-King, brings his distinctive blend of wikiality and mercantilism to the wacky zoo-like forum of American cable news. Today's segment le møt discusses the truthiness of the Edict of Nantes. Weather and traffic by Bishop Bossuet.
8:30 PM. Life on the Rock. While blatantly ripping off EWTN's favorite Franciscan show, HWTN's adaptation of this Catholic favorite features a blend of open-air talk-show hosting and Survivor-like risks as St. Kevin of Glendalough forcibly repels frantic groupies by tossing them into the sea below his isolated islet.
8:00 PM. Stuart the Little. This spinoff of HWTN's award-winning Claymore Girls (following Alexis Bledel's hilarious, caffeine-fueled performance in the show's two-part finale "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots") details the adventures of the singularly unpleasant young toddler James Stuart as he fends off his Calvinist guardians and plots to take over Great Britain with the asistance of his teddy-bear Lord Darnley.
8:30 PM. Albs. Sacred Heart Seminary is thrown into comic chaos when it comes out that Janitor used up all the Tridentine mass-cards to build a gigantic paper hang-glider during his Batman phase, and Fr. Cox assigns Alcuin Reid's visiting kid sister, Elliot, to fix the problem, or be forced to play the organ at one of Msgr. Kelso's interminable and frequently botched high masses on Sunday. Turk and the Rev. Mr. Dorian pretend to be the World's Tallest Seminarian. Ted spends a whole day stuck under a collapsed pile of disused copies of the 1917 Pio-Benedictine Code.
8:00 PM. House, O.P. Sister Allison begins acting very strange around her colleagues from the Dominican House of Studies, trading in her starched habit for a polyester pantsuit and banging a tambourine instead of following her Breviary. Fr. House thinks the unthinkable and wonders if it may be part of a rising outbreak of Motu Incompatibility Syndrome, though Mother Cuddy refuses to believe him. As usual.