Tuesday, June 26
Holy Whapping Television Network (HWTN)
8:00 PM. How I Met Our Mother. This critically-acclaimed sitcom, based on the Protoevangelium of James, centers on St. Joseph as he tells his foster-son Jesus and cousin James the Less about how he came to chastely espouse the Queen of Heaven. This week’s episode: Barnabas the Sadducee (Neil Patrick Harris) tries to drag Joe away from his carpentry shop for a Purim party that promises to be legend—wait for it, and hope that you’ve got the right set of kosher plates since the next word is—dary.
8:30 PM. The New Adventures of St. Christine. Sister Walburga tries to pry Christine off the convent chapel ceiling, where she has been stuck, quite voluntarily, since she jumped up out of her coffin at what turned out to be an awkwardly premature requiem mass.
9:00 PM. They've Got a Secret. Members of St. Gertrude the Severely Inflamed Extremely Traditional Roman Catholic Mission (Society of St. Pius I, Part II, Scene 4) compete to reveal the most-extravagant conspiracy theory involving Masons and their weather-altering machines, black helicopters, Mount Athos, the Bilderburgers (such a lovely couple), and the prophet Nostradamus.
9:30 PM. Dante Goes to Hell! Dante travels along the frozen lake of Cocytus in the ninth circle of the Inferno. (Originally titled The Divine Comedy, but the name was changed after genre confusion lead to a ratings slump last season.)
8:00 PM. Desperate Hapsburgs. Franz-Josef wonders why his no-good son Prince Rudolf has been hanging around that old dump in Mayerling so long. Franz-Ferdinand (the archduke, not the band) attempts to seduce Jessica Biel. Music by Franz-Ferdinand (the band, not the archduke.)
9:00 PM. Altar Boy Meets World. Eccentric next-door neighbor Fr. Feeney teaches Corey an important life-lesson revolving around extra ecclesia nullam sallus, like just about every other episode. (Warning: This series has been given a rating of TV-MA by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Say ten Hail Maries after viewing, or go poke a badger with a spoon.)
9:30 PM. Savina the Teenage Martyr. Emperor Diocletian contnues to find another way to kill the seemingly indestructible and of course absurdly beautiful St. Savina (Melissa Joan Hart). This week: Razor-edged bamboo splints and something disturbing involving uncooked spaghetti, a tea-cosy and a video-loop of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Let's say it all together, boys and girls: Ew.
8:00 PM. The Latin Grammys. Hosted by Vicar-General Schmitz, ICR, direct from Gricigliano. Musical guest: the entire monastery of Solesmes. Awards are expected for Best Indult Solemn High Mass of the Year, Best Sequence, Best Novus Ordo Celebrant, Best Cantilation in Tono Recto, Most Nasal Chanting by a Frenchman, Most Mangled Latin Phrases by a Catholic Blogger, and Quietest Low Mass.
12:00 Midnight. Vienna Roast “Feast of the Holy Name of Mary” Cappuccino Infomercial. Hosted by St. Marco d’Avellino and Jan Sobieski on behalf of Holy League Enterprises, Inc. (Dang Venetians, they commercialize everything.)
8:00 PM. Luminous Mysteries Movie of the Week. Barat: Cultural Learnings of 19th Century Catholic France Make for Glorious Benefit Nation of America. In this movie film, busload of bewildered monoglot French nuns led by Sister Madeline Sophie road-trip across strange nation United States in borrowed Citroen bus in attempt destroy Freemasons successfully consecrate nation to Sacred Heart. Is nice!
10:00 PM. Rick Steves’ Travels in Vatican City. Part 300 of 471. Intrepid backpacker Rick continues his (at times creepily exhaustive) journey through the Holy See. This week: several air ducts, that boring stretch of corridor on the fifth floor between Cardinal Sodano’s old office and the water fountain, Ingrid Stampa’s medicine cabinet (mmmm, mercurochrome) and an empty drawer in Archbishop Ranjith’s office.
8:00 PM. Savina the Teenage Martyr. Special Encore Presentation. Today: rotating circular saws and a very large tub of flambéed cherries jubilee. Ick.
8:30 PM. It’s the New Radetzky von Radetz Show! Johann Strauss (Steve Smith) discovers he’s forgotten the count’s birthday and frantically tries to palm off a hastily-written march instead. Slapstick ensues when Klemens von Metternich attempts to build a pan-European coalition out of a tin can and six Firestone tires in “Diplomat’s Corner.” Gustav Klimt (Gordon Pinsent) makes a special appearance on the Schönbrunn Palace Word Game. And Harold and the Duke of Reichstadt go camping in “Adventures with L’Aiglon.”
9:00 PM. Bewitched. Fathers Kramer and Sprenger, O.P., and their really big mallet, pay a surprise visit to the Stephens residence. (This was, mysteriously, the last episode ever produced.)
8:00 PM. Saturday Night First Vespers Movie: Holy Office Space.
And Fr. Torquemada said, "I don't care if they excommunicate me either, because I told, I told Cardinal Caraffa that if they move the dungeon one more time, then, then I'm, I'm getting myself lacized, or something. And, and I told the Archbishop too, because they've moved my prie-dieu four times already this Lent, and I used to be over by the door to the sacristy, and I could smell the incense, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston thumbscrews, but I kept my red Swingline thumbscrews because they bound up the accused a lot better, and I kept the special spikes for the Swingline screws and it's not okay because if they take my screws then I'll set Castel Sant' Angelo on fire..."