Sunday, July 10
Shrine Opens Cause for Founder's Canonization
PALOOKAVILLE, WI (AP)--The well-known Shrine of the Most Dolorous Holy Whapping of the Sacred Left Ankle of Our Lord Jesus Christ, a Catholic Internet refuge, opened the cause of sainthood for its founder, Dan of the Holy Whapping.
"We've been contemplating this move for some time," reported Andrew of the Holy Whapping, grounds keeper and public contributer at the Shrine. "It's common knowledge that a religious organization in the Catholic Church really isn't anything until it's founder is canonized a Saint, or at very least Blessed."
"It's only natural that we would want to promote the Founder's cause."
The move, however, faces obsticles, admits Shrine Inquisitor, Nino de Guevara. "Typically, the Vatican prefers sainthood candidates to be, well, deceased. Admittledly, the Founder is very much alive: but I don't think we should box-in the Divine Will. With God, all things are possible."
"Besides, 'Servant of God'-status should be a cinch. No miracles necesary, little invetigative reporting... With appropriate episcopal backing, it's a shoe-in."
Critics, however, question the Whapters' motives. "Frankly, it all sounds like some guy trying to canonize his roommate," says Cptn. Nofun, retired Army chaplin. "I think they're just in it for the book deals and good seats at the ceremony."