Monday, July 18
In honor of this momentous occasion, I would like to take the opportunity to reproduce here the best Envoy Magazine "At Ease" feature ever, since this one, for whatever reason, is nowhere to be found on their website. If they have a problem with me typing it up and sharing it, they're welcome to email me. But really, it's too good not to be on the internet.
So, without further ado, here it is, in its entirety:
CONTACT: Jackie Navarro-Valls IV, (212) 555-1173
Vatican City, Aug. 15, 2141 (ENS) White smoke rose above the ancient rooftops of the Vatican today, signaling the election of the first American pope. Stanislaw Cardinal Koslowski has begun a new life, as Pope John Paul V. If his tenure as Archbishop of Chicago is any indication, he will be a tough-minded, street-smart pontiff who won't mince words when tackling tough issues.
Like his predecessors on the Throne of Peter, Koslowski is know as a staunch defender of Pope John Paul the Great's 1994 declaration that the sacrament of holy orders is reserved to men (Ordinatio Sacerdotalis). Koslowski's Chicago-style bluntness in dealing with radical feminists and liturgical innovators was showcased dramatically when, in his first month as Archbishop, he issued his one-page pastoral letter, You Got a Problem With That?, condemning liturgical abuses, reinstating the mandatory use of communion rails, and formally abolishing several contemporary liturgical songs, calling them "dumb, stupid, I'd rather listen to a traffic jam."
A source close to the new pontiff has told us that, in the year prior to his unexpected election to the papacy, Koslowski had drafted fifteen new pastoral letters for the Archdiocese of Chicago. The source said that one of the pontiff's first actions will be to revise those pastoral letters into papal documents for the entire Catholic Church. We were provided with a list of the new documents we may expect to see from the Holy Father in the near future:
Tu Et Quis Exercitus? (You And What Army?) Encyclical laying out the pope's reaction to media reports suggesting he might be pressured to abandon his support for the Church's traditional opposition to abortion.
Amen Amen Dico Vobis; Nihil Muliebrium Sacerdotum (Read My Lips: No Women Priests) Encyclical asking radical Catholic feminists what part of Pope John Paul the Great's Ordinatio Sacerdotalis (on the reservation of holy orders to men alone) they don't understand.
Rursus Dicam: Nullo Modo (I'll Say It Again: No Way) Encyclical explaining the pope's position on women priests even more plainly.
Fac Ut Tui Meis Loquantur (Have Your People Talk To My People) A apostolic exhortation to the editors of Envoy magazine, expressing the pontiff's exasperation over their incessant requests to "do lunch" with him sometime.
Haec Res Est, Conveniamus Optime Vel Exite (That's The Deal, Take It Or Leave It) Encyclical explaining that priestly celibacy in the Latin Rite is a non-negotiable job requirement, and tat the only dame he'd better ever find in any rectory after 6:00pm had better be over sixty-five with a dishrag in her hand.
Aio, Tibi Dico (Yeah, I'm Talking To You) An apostolic letter reminding dissident liturgists to obey the liturgical reforms decreed by Vatican III, which forbade the liturgical use of felt banners, tacky guitar hymns, or using the phrase "we are church."
Soli Rationi Fides (Blind Faith In Reason) An encyclical explaining the fundamental intellectual silliness of atheism.
Non Solum Balaenas Sed Primum Prenatos Liberos Serva (Save The Whales, But Save The Unborn Babies First) Encyclical asking humanity to respect God's gift of nature, and inviting the world's "animal rights" activists to extend their corporal works of mercy to include mammals of the human variety.
Da Mihi Quinque! (Give Me Five!) Apostolic letter announcing with great joy the doubling in twenty-five years the number of ordinations and seminarians worldwide.
Splendor Coquinae Poloniae (The Splendor Of Polish Cooking) encyclical explaining that the pope doesn't necessarily have anything against the traditional cuisine of Rome. He, like one of his more famous predecessors, just likes a little pierogi now and then.
Matrimonium Primum Est DEINDE Liberi (It's Marriage First, THEN Children) An apostolic exhortation to young people about the sanctity and duties of the married state.
Lege, Mehercle, Librum (Read The Book For Crying Out Loud) Encyclical directing the faithful to open the family Bible beyond the page where you write down everybody's birthday.
Nonnumquam Vos Facis Ut Tumescear (Sometimes, You People Really Tick Me Off) Encyclical reaffirming Catholic teaching on birth control and the sanctity of human life in response to yet another effort by the United Nations to push contraceptives, abortion, and euthanasia in the Third World.
Quid Nunc Quaerunt? (Now What Do They Want?) An apostolic exhortation to the editors of Envoy magazine, admonishing them to stop asking the pope for a promotional blurb and to stop dropping by tea Apostolic Palace just because they "happen to be in the neighborhood."
Me Esse, Credo Papam (No, Excuse Me, I believe I'm The Pope) Encyclical reiterating the absolute primacy of the papal and episcopal magisterium in matters of doctrine; and condemning various theological errors propounded by dissenting theologians.
-Envoy magazine, Nov/Dec 1999