Tuesday, March 22

ScrappleFace: Michael Schiavo Slips into 'Carnivorative State'
by Scott Ott

Michael Schiavo, the Florida man fighting to have the feeding tube removed from his comatose wife, has fallen into a "persistent carnivorative state," according to an unnamed family doctor.

"He's unresponsive," said one physician familiar with his case. "When you talk about the importance of human life or the effects of slow starvation on his wife, Terri, he just glazes over. He has no comprehension. I don't think he could live more than 10 days cut off from the hope of a huge cash influx."

However, Mr. Schiavo's girlfriend insists he has more brain function than his behavior would indicate. She said he usually knows when other people are in the room and just this week she induced him to follow a $20 bill with his eyes.

"Terri's desire was that Michael would never have to live without wealth or extramarital female companionship," the unnamed girlfriend said.

Experts say few patients ever emerge from persistent carnivorative states because they're totally dependent upon increasing quantities of liquid assets.

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