Friday, March 4

Following in the footsteps of Lauren and Zadok, I present, Ten Things Matt has done that His Readers Have Probably Not...

10. Attempted to flirt, unsuccessfully, with a well-dressed Australian Catholic nerd girl (who had served as a lector at a papal mass) at a party also attended by the Cardinal Archbishop of Sydney, the Governor-General of the Knights of the Holy Sepulchre, and George Weigel. Never heard from her again.

9. Been told I look Bulgarian.

8. Was in syndication (sort of) on a public access TV station for about three months straight.

7. Was once asked if I read the Fr. George William Rutler.

6. Been randomly requested (twice) to read the First Reading and Psalm at an Italian daily mass, even though I don't speak the language.

6b. Reading the First Reading and Psalm (twice) in Italian even though I don't speak the language, and probably being mistaken for a lunatic in the process.

5. Seen the Swiss Guard band play maracas after being upstaged by a bunch of geriatric reenactors in three-cornered hats.

4. Washed the President of Notre Dame's hands on national television.

3. Had an elaborate Masonic conspiracy theory explained to me in true cloak-and-dagger fashion by a bona-fide crank afraid that the bartender was eavesdropping on us.

3b. And was then taken round the block for a walk just to make sure THEY wouldn't hear us.

2. Saw the back of Jose Carreras's head, in a restaurant.

2b. Saw the massively grotesque bulk of Gore Vidal, also in a restaurant. Not the same one.

1. Attempted to flirt, unsuccessfully, with a Pittsburgh Catholic nerd girl (based largely on her taste in vestments bought at Gamarelli) in the presence of two priests (one of whom was ex-CIA), while the same Cardinal Archbishop of Sydney was randomly walking down the street six months later. Never heard from her again, either.

(I was also tempted to add, "Was once offered a knighthood at age 13 by a bogus Exarch from Miami," but I figured nobody would believe me--or even know what the heck I was talking about. I also considered, "Had a huge crush on a future Nashville Dominican," but I gather that's a fairly universal experience. And it wasn't so much a crush anyway as a friendship... Well, anyway, not after I heard she was going to be a nun...)

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