Separation of Church and State means Never Having to Say You're Sorry

Apparently a good number of you are confused as to what "separation of Church and State" actually means. Some of you, poor souls, believe it retains its original colonial implications, that bishops aren't automatically senators-for-life or that the President isn't sworn in by the prelate of Washington. Quaint, isn't it? No, separation of Church and State means much more than that: the Churches tow the government line. Sometimes our Churches get uppity, and we have to hammer them down in the press or the collection basket. I fear, readers, this may be one of those times.

Others of you may think that "separation of Church and State" means that the Church has no direct influence on civil functions, but retains its mandate to radically alter people's lives through an encounter with a living Savior. Dear friends. In the phrase separation of Church and State, "State" is taken in the analogous sense -- separation of the Church from any right to influence anybody's life. Well, beyond the Unofficial Approved Comfort Actions (UACA's), anyway (pronounced "yucka," as in Muppet laughter). These include:

- A nice mid-morning snack for all Sunday visitors
- Appearing on the news at appropriate times with consoling words
- Burying people (on the condition that no criticism is given!)
- Performing marriage ceremonies on those who present themselves (and letting them be from thereon after)
- At very least, to convey a nice feeling of forgiveness without prerequisite guilt for anything in particular.

A few others may be added, I suppose, but these would be the biggies.

The reasoning for all this is quite simple: democracy is better served when Wal-Mart executives and their lobbyist exert more influence and have more rights to self-expression and governmental influence than "the many" who constitute Mystical Body of Christ. I mean, why does it have to be so darn "mystical," anyway? That's just kinda weird.