Saturday, March 15


Come the Revolution, The Following Will Be Banned

1. The word "chillaxing."
2. "Begging the question" when not used in the strict context of a conversation on formal rhetoric.
3. "What's up?" used as a greeting, since it implies a response, and it's hard to explain the state of your life when Dave from accounts has already gone down the hall.
4. George Lopez St. Patrick's Day-themed marathons inadvertently coinciding with Holy Week.
5. Ponytails that are anywhere right or left of the exact up-down axis on the back of a girl's head.
6. Laugh tracks, except on M*A*S*H.
7. Misleading packaging on Books on Tape. If I want to listen to a book about the controversial 1969 massacre of diseased giraffes in Czechoslovakia by Cold War era special forces, I expect it to be nonfiction, otherwise, why bother?
8. The following terms, used to signify great age or venerability: "Back in the day," "Old School" or "Back in the days." What ever became of "In Days of Yore"? If it was good enough for Alexander Muir, it's good enough for me.
9. Subway bums who have newer shoes than I do.
10. Altar boys wearing anti-gravity sneakers.
11. Altar girls wearing anti-gravity sneakers.
12. Altar girls wearing strappy stiletto heels.
13. Altar girls.
14. Barnes and Noble cheapo special-edition coffee-table books put together out of stock photos on the Nazis (including the SS, SA, Luftwaffe, and Hermann Goering's avoirdupois, but not Hogan's Heroes, since they amuse us), Communists, secret societies, witchcraft or secret Nazi Communist Witches.
15. Movie promos beginning with "From the Producers of Snow Dogs." Somebody's scraping the bottom of the barrel.
16. Eucharistic Prayer II.
17. Albs with hoods, unless your name is Bernard of Clairvaux.
18. Subway mariachis, unless I'm in the mood.
19. That shark in a tank of Formaldehyde at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
20. "Reverend" used as a noun.

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